The NASCAR world is abuzz with the rumor that Hendricks Motorsports is planning on firing Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s long-time crew chief and best friend Tony Eury Jr. and could have him replaced in the pits as soon as this weekend’s race in Hillbillyvilletownburgh for the Denim Jacket 450.

“Sorry Tony. It was a nice ride. You can keep all the hats and t-shirts and stuff, sell some of that s#1t on eBay. We’ll hook you up with some sweet boat-show work, if you’re interested. Don’t worry, we won’t tell nobody how retarded you are.”

Surely they’ll replace him with someone “in the business” to try to knock Dale Jr. out of his slump, but we think they are missing a great opportunity to think WAY outside of the damn box.

And even though we know that our opinion means dick to them, here are our 10 Best Possible Dale Earnhardt Jr. Crew Chief Replacements.

10. Mr. T
The Legendary B.A. Baracus is having a great week in the news after his show-stealing performance at Wrigley Field. Pair him up with Dale Jr. and its a can’t-miss.

9. Cooter Davenport from The Dukes of Hazzard (Ben Jones)
He may be a politician now, but Cooter always got the Duke boys car ready to race…AND he’d break them out of jail. That’s the kind of loyalty Dale Jr. is going to need after firing his best friend…

8. Burt Reynolds
The Bandit is a guaranteed two wins in the bag from Day One! The Bandit brings a winner’s attitude that you can’t find with some new guy with candy-ass book smarts. Just look at Burt Reynolds’ face, he looks like he’s traveling at high speed at all times.

7. Barry Pepper as Dale Earnhardt Sr from ESPN’s 3
He’s a Southern man with Daddy issues! Bring Barry to the track in his classic Intimidator costume and make up and watch Dale Jr. haul a whole new level of ass…of course he’ll be crying in the radio during the entire race.

6. Ann Coulter
Good Lord Almighty, get this harpy bitch squealing in his ear the whole race and he’ll win by two laps just so he can take his helmet off faster…BUT he may use the helmet to beat her to death with.

5. The Ghost of Tom Landry
Tom won’t even have to yell at Dale Jr. All he has to do is tensely exhale through his nose when he makes a mistake and subtly nod his hat when he does something correctly. Perhaps he will give Dale Jr. a brief and firm handshake if and when he wins the Sponsor-To-Be-Named-Later Cup.

4. R. Lee Ermey
America’s favorite Drill Instructor would be the first crew chief in NASCAR history to ride INSIDE THE CAR…so he could better MOTIVATE the young Mister Earnhardt.

3. Latka Gravas from Taxi (Andy Kaufman)
Let’s be honest, all that garbled sh1t on the in-car radio sounds like jibberish anyway, why not have ACTUAL jibberish from a dead comedy genius? Should get more camera time for sponsors…which quite frankly is more important than wins. What says AMP energy drink more than a guy wrestling large women for money? This one is stupid.

2. The Team of Tony Dungy and Bill Cowher
During the race, Dale Jr. switches from several different channels on his radio. Country Music, his spotters, Tony Dungy reading scripture and motivational haiku, and Bill Cowher repeatedly screaming HAUL ASS! GO!! GET YOUR ASS IN THERE!! FASTER GAWDDAMNIT, FASTER!!

1. Robert Duvall
He’s like a manly Grandpa who knows how to talk you through the mayhem.

“Drive through the smoke young Earnhardt…the force is strong within you…don’t turn right…haul ass, take the inside…yes, you can call me Uncle Bobby.”

Who do you think has the motivational skills to get Dale Jr. in the winner’s circle again?

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