Linda McMahon, former chief executive officer of WWE and wife of Vince McMahon, announced Wednesday that she is going to run for Senate in Connecticut against incumbent Chris Dodd. Linda is going to need a lot of help to run a successful campaign. Comedy.com blogger, Dave Malkoff, did some extensive research and came up with the 10 greatest candidates for McMahon’s campaign staff.
10. The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase – Economic Advisor
Much like Warren Buffett, Ted DiBiase knows what it takes to be a successful businessman. One of the keys to his economic outlook is that everybody has a price. This will come in handy to win endorsements and to quiet political opponents. Also, his bodyguard, Virgil, would be great for the security detail.
9. Mean Gene Okerlund – Press Secretary
Nobody knows how to communicate more effectively than this confident bald man. With over 30 years of on-air experience, Okerlund brings gravitas and class (note the bow-tie) to the campaign. His explosive delivery could make a even the most routine news item sound important. For example, he could take “Linda McMahon supports health care reform” and make it “LINDA MCMAHON SUPPORTS HEALTH CARE REFORM!”
8. Iron Sheik – Middle East Affairs
Born in Iran, the Iron Sheik has first hand knowledge of the challenges facing the Mid East. As Iran attempts to become a nuclear power, he would know when to use diplomacy (6-party talks) and when to use force (the Camel Clutch).
7. Goldberg – Treasurer / Legal Adviser
As wrestling’s only Jew, Bill Goldberg is really the only option for these positions. In addition to his Jewishness, Goldberg has unparallel determination. He fought undefeated streak for 173 straight victories until he was illegally shocked by cattle prod (the ref missed it).
6. Kamala – African Relations
Africa, made up of 53 countries, is a notoriously complex mix of cultures. That’s why Linda McMahon would be lucky to get Kamala (a.k.a. the Ugandan Giant) on her team. He not only understands the African people, but also the culture.
5. Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart – Community Outreach
Armed with a megaphone and lots of passion, Jimmy Hart would be perfect to get McMahon’s message out to the people. Imagine opening your door and some kid with a clipboard asks for a moment of your time to tell you about Chris Dodd. Yawn! Now imagine opening the door and the Mouth of the South screams through his megaphone for you to shut up and vote for Linda McMahon. Advantage McMahon.
4. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan – Chief Strategist
Like Karl Rove, only more cunning, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan can outthink both wrestling and political opponents. He’s also great at manipulating people, which would be a perfect way to get out the vote. For example, suppose he was addressing a group of senior citizens…
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: “Now it’s my understanding that Chris Dodd eats baby pandas. Is that the kind of Senator you want representing you in Washington? The kind that eat baby pandas?
Senior Citizens: No!
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: I don’t think so. But you know what I do think so? That you should vote for Linda McMahon!
3. Rick Flair – Style Consultant
“The Nature Boy” Rick Flair is the total package. He’s got the hair, the robes, and the boas that all equal the perfect candidate to help Linda McMahon look her best. And there’s also the “WOOOO!” factor. Rick should consider lend his “WOOOO!” to Linda. She could just end her sentences with “WOOOO!” regardless of the context. For example, if she was asked where she stands on gun rights, she would answer “I support gun rights, WOOOO!”
2. Isaac Yankem, DDS – Healthcare Advisor
On the campaign trail, Linda McMahon won’t have time to read through the hundreds of pages in the health care bills being presented in congress. Isaac Yankem, DDS could not only read through the bills, he could highlight the important parts for her too. That’s the kind of Doctor you want on your team!
1. I.R.S. – Tax Advisor
If tax laws aren’t confusing enough, new ones are passed each year. That’s why Linda could use Irwin R. Schyster, a former tax collector, on her side. Not sure what constitutes a business expense? – Ask Schyster! Not sure if you can get around paying employees minimum wage? Ask Schyster! Not sure if you can accept a briefcase full of money from a lobbyist? Ask Schyster!
We’re always tuned into the happenings of the WWE. Want more? Check out Chris Jericho fighting a fan and Rick Ortega losing his mind.
Posted by Dave Malkoff, aka Mouth of the Northeast.
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