Comedy.com loves giant athletes. We gave you the biggest players in baseball and the largest fatsos in football. Now we give you the biggest bruisers in hoops. Here are 11 NBA Players Most Likely To Ruin Your Driveway Hoop. You paid a lot for that thing. Do not let these guys near it.
11. Nathan Jawai
Jawai is the gigantic indigenous Australian forward for the Mavericks who hates being called “Baby Shaq.” You better call this guy whatever he wants. At six feet and ten inches tall and 280 pounds, he is massive. Crikey! This behemoth would leave an Australian-sized dent in your face. Jawai: Australian for Shaq.
10. DeSagana Diop
Diop is the biggest thing to come out of Senegal. (What? Look it up.) He’s huge. He’s seven feet tall and 280 pounds huge. He can say, “Super size me!” in five languages. Also, he’s got one of the weirdest tribute songs we’ve ever seen on YouTube.
9. Kendrick Perkins
When the six feet and ten inches tall and 280 pound Perkins was growing up in Texas, he was a Catholic altar boy. Guess which church in Texas probably had no priest ‘incidents’ during his tenure?
8. Greg Oden
Can anybody explain to us how Oden is only 21-years-old, but looks like a giant, old Richard Pryor? He’s seven feet tall and 285 pounds. His face is half the weight.
7. Andrew Bynum
In 2005, Bynum became the youngest player to ever play in the NBA. That was the last year high school kids could enter the Draft. He’s seven feet tall and 285 pounds, but he’s mostly known to non-basketball fans as one of the guys on the Lakers who isn’t Kobe.
6. Jerome James
Knicks fans know James as a chronic underachiever and a colossal disaster of a free agency signing. Old Country Buffet employees know him as the reason they’re out of mashed potatoes. He’s seven feet and one inch tall and 285 pounds.
5. Eddy Curry
Before Curry entered seventh grade, he wanted to be a gymnast. Then he tore down the uneven bars and crushed a pummel horse. Not many gymnasts are six feet and eleven inches tall and 285 pounds with a seven foot wingspan. Mmmmmm…. wings.
4. Glen Davis
At six feet and nine inches tall and 289 pounds, Big Baby is the shortest guy on our list. At age 15, he body slammed Shaq at a basketball camp, which led him to a scholarship at LSU. The camp has a new policy, where if you can slam Shaq, you get to be mayor of Baton Rouge.
3. Kyrylo Fesenko
Hey look, a white guy! Fesenko is a seven feet and one inch, 300 pound Ukrainian who isn’t all that good. Who else is from the Ukraine? Yakov Smirnoff, that’s who! In Soviet Russia, basketball stinks at you!
2. Yao Ming
Why are those ladies power walking like they don’t see a giant seven foot, six inch, 310 pound Chinese guy passing them? Supposedly Yao’s parents were forced to marry each other to produce a dominant athlete. Now he’s married to Ye Li, a 6’3″ professional female basketball player in China. Their kids are going to look like the “Cloverfield” monster.
1. Shaquille O’Neal
You probably saw this one coming, but Shaq is still the biggest dude in the NBA. At seven feet and one inch tall and 325 pounds, he’s already destroyed enough rims in professional basketball. He would probably demolish your entire garage. Until Yao Ming’s monster baby comes to destroy Manhattan, Shaq is the king of the giants in the NBA.
Thank goodness baseball is finally over. We love basketball! Check out the Comedy Store’s 1978 Basketball Team Lineup and the world’s greatest basketball shot.
This post was written by Mike Bridenstine who knows a lot about balls.
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