The NFL is about to take over 99 percent of America’s living rooms, but there is still that one percent who will be playing “Halo,” “Dungeons & Dragons,” or some other game where the feats of strength are pretend. Well, listen NFL, that’s a market just within your reach. You want to keep courting retired players and ex-cons with bazillions of dollars? You’re going to need to tap into some of that “World of Warcraft” cash. Here is our easy 10 step guide to getting the shut-ins to turn their TVs from X-Box Live football to actually live football.
10. Players Assigned To Teams For Life By Sorting Helmet
The “Harry Potter” series is a mega-hit amongst mega-nerds. Do you know why? A magical singing cap detects their personality and organizes the students into castle towers with a jaunty little song. What if players couldn’t swap allegiances at the first sign of a shinier dollar? Instead, they would have to put on the official sorting helmet of the NFL, which would assign them to teams based on their aggressiveness, outlook and favorite magical spells. Okay, maybe we will take out spells. But, it could sing a song in iambic pentameter and erase the competitiveness that terrifies us… we mean them, er, nerds.
9. Each Team Will Be Renamed After An Endearing Animal
Titans? Oilers? Steelers? Hoo nelly, showing off much? Nerds do not need reminders that these are the same gentleman who used to stuff them into lockers and make them eat an urinal cake. Why are there not more teams like the Dolphins and the Bears? You could include delightfully cuddly creatures like the Red Panda. It’s like if you stuffed a raccoon with cotton candy! ADORABLE! Plus, the players will be so emasculated they’ll want to step up their game.
8. Each Team May Have A Live Mascot On The Field
Clearly the Bears and the newly rechristened Pittsburgh Rhinos will have an advantage over the Minnesota Sugar Gliders, but what better way to mix up the action than to have live animals on the field? Dweebs around the world tuned into the Puppy Bowl instead of the Super Bowl. Why not cater to them? We’ll even make it appealing to folks like Micheal Vick. Tackling the opponent’s animal to the ground is worth 2 points.
7. Lose Offensive Line And Give Quarterback, Runners And Receivers Swords
The Buccaneers have been dying to do this for years, and 20-sided dice rollers across the country will light up. Give the offense cutlasses and rapiers for protection. Nothing creates hero worship like sword wielding, and it will provide better protection from the (mostly) bloodthirsty animals set loose on the field. Although, if the offense is so well armed, you have to give the defense a break, so…
6. Allow Cybernetic Limbs
We thought about the legalization of drugs to reel in the chemistry nerds, but better yet let’s create jobs for the robotics engineers out there. What linebacker won’t trade his squishy meat-arms for an awesome robot arm that can double as the Jaws Of Life in the drunken car accidents professional sports players like getting into so much. Sure, its creepy, but no creepier than taking pills that shrink your genitals and turn your limbs into jumbo sausages. We bet everyone will trade their arms and legs in! And what better way to protect yourself from the swords, than an arm that can grab it and break it in half?
5. When There Is A Safety, Players Dumped Into Rancor Pit
Nothing is more humiliating than a safety. Except perhaps having the end zone open like a giant trap door, you tumble down a chute and your head is chomped off by a giant space lizard/gorilla thing. Also, if players are able to slay the rancor the safety points will be taken back. Hey, it’s been done. And your average sports fan is looking more and more like a Hutt every day.
4. Allow DNA Splicing With Other Species
We all remember the film “The Island of Dr. Moreau.” For those of you who don’t have the director’s cut, let us explain. A ridiculous rich guy has some crazy DNA spliced between humans and wild animals, and trust us it works out awesomely. They never, ever revolt and devour the nearby humans. Well… not unless they see through the complex socio-political construct you’ve put in place to keep them subordinate. Anyway, trust us, Minotaurs would make excellent players.
3. Brains Of Deceased Legends Placed In Robot Players
There’s no reason those players have to die, not with NFL money making all these robot arms and what not. It’s a sci-fi-classic: a brain in a jar mounted on an awesome robot. What’s dignified about disappearing from the public eye just because you passed away? America is a culture hungry for action, and being in repose (dead) is the exact opposite of action. Also, we have some taste. We’re not monsters. This would only go into effect for the recently deceased. The brains have to be fresh or the resulting cyborg will go rogue and attack the crowd. (Like the wild animals and the rancor aren’t enough for the shock-stick wielding crowd police to worry about)
2. Fantasy Leagues Will Include Mythological Creatures
This is less something for the NFL to worry about than a request to organizers of fantasy leagues everywhere. Why can’t we draft hobgoblins, elves and bugbears? Alright, technically dwarfs are real and could easily become real members of the NFL if one with the right goods came along. We want ones wearing armor and shields, perhaps with the ability to fire magic missiles. You can even throw in unicorns to generate some interest with the ladies.
1. Replace Superbowl Trophy With All-Powerful One Ring
Sound complicated? “Oooooh where will the NFL find a magic ring forged in the depths of Mt. Doom? That’s fictional!” Blah blah blah. Listen, it’s a no brainer. They love those Super Bowl rings, but they’re pretty boring. And players can only want a shiny metal cup-thing so much. A ring with glowy elfy letters than makes the wearer immortal, invisible and allows them to command an army of Uruk-hai? That’s something they will WORK for. Yes, they will then turn to the race of men and demand obedience. Sure, whatever. But those nerds will be ready to take control of the ring and drop it in a volcano if things get a little crazy. They’ve been preparing for it their whole lives.
Are you psyched about the football season? Check out our list of 10 Most Annoying People At Your Fantasy Football Draft and the 5 Funniest High School Football Videos.
Raymond Fleury wrote this post and just won the MVP at the all Uruk-hai Pro Bowl.
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