It’s draft time again. Two weeks before the season starts and teams are just beginning to form in the virtual world of Fantasy Football. Fingers are crossed for Eli Manning and Reggie Wayne. Mouths are drooling for Adrian Peterson and Michael Turner. It’s going to be a great season, unless someone ruins it for us. That someone is always bound to be in YOUR draft. Here are the 10 Most Annoying People At Your Fantasy Football Draft.
10. The Animal Lover
We don’t need a speech about why Michael Vick shouldn’t be allowed in the NFL or how dolphins are endangered, especially off the coast of Miami. What we need is for you to go make us some steak chili and pick Joey Harrington already.
9. The New England Fan
We don’t care about your dynasty, and we think Tedy Bruschi should have retired last year. We’ll also trade you four of our picks if Brady doesn’t get taken out in game one again this year. Face it, people like Osama bin Laden more than him. The most American thing you can do is hate the Patriots.
8. The Guy Who Won Last Year
Okay, so you got lucky. No one could have predicted that Vince Young would have a meltdown while Kurt Warner drove a team from Arizona to the Superbowl. Quit acting like you knew it all along. No one has ever won FF two years in a row, so pipe down. Quit making stupid jokes. If we have to hear, “Do you guys feel a draft in here?” one more time, we’re going to stab you with a shiv made out of our cheat sheet.
7. The Bengal
You’ve heard of a “butter face,” right? You know, nice body, butter (but her) face. Well a Bengal is a girl with a nice uniform, but an ugly helmet. Just because you know a lot about football, doesn’t mean guys will want to have sex with you. Plus, quit telling us how hot Brady Quinn is. We. Don’t. Care.
6. The Married Guy Who Is Whooped
He always has to leave early and put it on auto-draft. Why don’t you put your marriage on auto-divorce dude. It’s bad enough that we can’t even come over and watch games at your place.
5. The Un-Even Trader
Quit trying to give us Chansi Stuckey for Larry Fitzgerald. That’s not a good trade. The White Man traded better blankets to the Native Americans.
4. Chris Cooley
The TE for the Redskins plays every year, and we’re positive he has inside information. He also plays dirty. Last year he traded Wes Welker for a haircut and some makeup.
3. The Positive Person
We don’t need another Marty Schottenheimer encouraging us through this process.
2. The Kind Of Person That Would Call In To A Sports Show
These guys always want one person on their team to be a miracle worker. ”Why can’t Drew Brees pass for 1900 yards, scramble for 2000, throw a few chop blocks and cook the team dinner at night? Why?” Maybe you should only pick one player then. Go back to being an armchair quarterback and get out of this draft.
1. The Know-It-All
We’re glad you know who Emerson Boozer was, and it’s impressive that you know who played in the first MNF game ever. However, we would be more impressed if you had a full-time job, a computer of your own and a shirt that didn’t have mustard on it.
This post was written by Sarah Tiana, who is a stand-up comedienne and human punching bag in Los Angeles.
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