Something is seriously wrong with Boston Red Sox slugger “BIG PAPI” David Ortiz, and many theories abound why he has YET to hit a single HOME RUN this season.
Some say its because of a secret injury he’s hiding, perhaps the downside of kicking PED’s, or an eye problem, maybe personal issues with the ladies, or that he’s sad without former teammate Manny Ramirez?!
“Manny Ramirez took fertility drugs so that he could carry Big Papi’s baby.”A slump of this magnitude is an ugly thing and many players before have slipped away to obscurity from these kinds of numbers…how can one of the most talented and gifted hitters in baseball get his MOJO back at the dish and start parking balls with regularity as the Good Lord intended?
Here’s 5 ways to get Big Papi out of this EPIC slump…
5. Slumpbuster Supreme
Get about 7 butterfaces willing to do everything, lock them in a hotel room with Big Papi and don’t let him out until right before batting practice.
4. Voodoo
Like with Cerrano in Major League, perhaps Big Papi needs to get in the good graces of Jobu for mucho bueno mojo with the pelota. WARNING: Jobu is FOR S#1T hitting a curve ball.
3. Trip to Vegas
Clearly David Ortiz has some bad luck in his system, send him to vegas and let him work out all his losing ways on a blackjack table. It’ll be good for the economy, he can easily afford it and its cheaper than losing 20 games in the AL East. As soon as he wins 3 hands in a row, put his ass on a plane to meet the team.
2. Play some First Base, sometimes FIELDING helps with hitting. F the DH!
It’s understandable that he feels out of synch at the plate…he doesn’t even OWN a glove anymore! When the rest of the team is on the field contributing, he sulks in the dugout like the coach’s retarded son in little league.
More slumps are broken by the glove than the bat, it helps a player get out of his head for a minute. How often have you seen a guy make a web gem and then get a big hit or a homer right after?
1. Call in The Wolf
Has anyone even considered that David MIGHT have a dead body at his house?
OR WORSE a Dirk Nowitski-style live-in stalker situation?
Good luck getting back in the starting line-up Big Papi, we know you can do it! BTW, you are KILLING my fantasy team!!!
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