In a Days Inn conference room on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, between a dental symposium and a correctional officer job fair, far away from the bright lights of Madison Square Garden… the 23rd Annual NFL Cheerleader Draft is now underway.
“The girls at the Cheerleader Draft Combine really took it to the next level.”Thanks to some questionable and possibly illegal business practices, jockandballs.com is the only media outlet in the building, making us the de facto EXCLUSIVE sports comedy website of this prestigious event. (Yay Extortion!)
Our resident cheerleader draft expert, Del Wiper Jr. will give us expert analysis along the way…
The commissioner is now on the way to the podium with the first pick…
“With the first pick of the NFL Cheerleader Draft, The Detroit Lions have selected Carly Hinchman of Virginia Tech.”
1. Detroit Lions- Carly Hinchman, Virginia Tech
Wow. We knew she’d be in the top ten but first overall is a shocker. She declared for the draft late after she auditioned for Playboy, foolishly using her real name. Now she’s a pro…her projected calendar sales are through the roof…at this point Playboy would be lucky to get her.
Del Wiper Jr. sez…
“Detroit is rebuilding and she’ll be the franchise for years to come. I didn’t have her at the top of my board, but I wouldn’t mind having her there now…if you catch my drift!”
“With the second pick in the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the St. Louis Rams select Julianne Hough of Dancing With The Stars.”
2. St. Louis Rams- Julianne Hough, DWTS
The Rams dancers are a dance-first squad, and she has the most skills in the draft. That dome turf favors her fast footwork, she’s just mormon-y enough for St. Louis, we like this pick…plus this only fuels speculation that the team could move back to LA in 2011.
“With the third pick in the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select Kellie Pickler of American Idol.”
3. Kansas City Chiefs- Kellie Pickler, American Idol
Clearly the Chiefs wanted Julianne Hough, possibly some intrastate rivalry going on here. OK, it’s a reach but they like the wholesome country singer girls in the midwest, and right now its 50/50 on her singing career sticking so there’s a good chance she’ll be on the field at Arrowhead next season…for reasons other than screaming the National Anthem.
Del Wiper Jr. sez…
“Bad pick in my book, this makes three blondes in a row, leaving a lot of brunette talent out there. Pickler has a propensity to be scary faced in photographs, plus she’s hot because of performing enhancement surgeries…so she could turn fugly in a three day weekend’s time. KC should have considered Meghan McCain or a Solange Knowles…”
“With the fourth pick in the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select Megan Fox of Transformer State.”
4. Seattle Seahawks- Megan Fox, Transformer State
Absolutely no chance of her signing with the Seahawks but she does look fine in flannel.
Del Wiper Jr. sez…
“A wasted pick, they just did this for the fans and the photoshoppers. Seattle doesn’t need the draft, they have the best farm system in the league in the strip clubs of AAA Portland Oregon.”
“With the fifth pick in the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Diablo Cody of Juno”
5. Cleveland Browns- Diablo Cody, Juno
They love them some Juno in Ohio and when Browns management heard that the Oscar winning screenwriter used to be an exotic dancer, they jumped at the chance to draft her. They really hope she decides to “ironically” dance at their games…whatever that means.
“With the sixth pick in the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select Megan Hauserman of Bret Michaels University.”
6. Cincinnati Bengals- Megan Hauserman, Bret Michaels University
The football team is predominated by continually re-offending felons, so the dance team has decided to “Put the NSFW back in the NFL” in 2009.
Del Wiper Jr. sez…
“Megan has 4% body fat and less than 5% clothing on at all times…she’s ready to party with player, fan and parole officer alike…at the same time…just keep the camera running.”
“With the seventh pick in the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Pam Anderson of Baywatch.”
7. Oakland Raiders- Pam Anderson, Baywatch
They are booing up a storm of sh1t in Oaktown right now…Al Davis has f—ed up yet another first round pick by being obsessed with the 1990’s.
Del Wiper Jr. sez…
“Pam is washed-up and can’t perform at this level, she hasn’t been sexually relevant on a national scale since 2002…should have gone with Sarah Shahi or a Demi Lovato…the fans wanted Lil’ Kim or rapper MIA.”
“With the eighth pick in the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Jennifer Aniston, Pitt.”
8. Jacksonville Jaguars- Jennifer Aniston, Pitt
She’s now officially a cougar, good friend of the Jaguar- this is a natural fit. Plus the change of scenery to Florida will be good for her skin, plenty of spring breakers to fellate, take up golf…
“With the ninth pick of the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Green Bay Packers select Amanda of the University of Oregon.”
9. Green Bay Packers- Amanda, Oregon
Aaron Rodgers made this pick personally. He remembered her from a Cal/Oregon game and then he saw her again on si.com and he thought maybe they could hang out or something, catch a movie, I dunno…
Del Wiper sez…
“Aaron Rodgers is one of the few QB’s in the league who has cheerleader drafting rights written into his contract. His time as the starter at Cal/Berkley really sharpened his eye for talent. He has a future as a cheerleader GM after his playing days are over.”
“With the tenth pick of the NFL Cheerleader Draft, the San Francisco 49ers select Lindsay Lohan of Disney.”
10. San Francisco 49ers- Lindsey Lohan, Disney
This is the pick-of-the-draft so far, Lindsey is down on her luck right now and really needs the work, so look for LiLo to be shaking her pom-poms in the City by the Bay.
Del Wiper Jr. sez…
“I’ve liked her physical gifts for awhile now and she looks stacked out of rehab…want to see a little more weight on her but that shouldn’t be a problem. This could be great for her since she now has street cred with the homo-gays…but we’d like to see some proof that Sam Ronson isn’t a dude. She looks like Spicoli to me.”
There is a bit of drama percolating around the draft room right now…how far down the board will Heidi Montag fall…
…seeing as how she’s the only girl who showed up LIVE in the green room, this could be pretty embarrassing.
The commissioner has signaled a break for lunch and cocktails at the Hooters across the street, the draft won’t continue until tomorrow afternoon if we’re lucky.
We’re gonna run by the OTB and make an afternoon out of it.
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