One look at the massive contracts professional athletes have been signing lately, and you’d be a fool not to force your children into the world of professional sports.
Imagine your son holding up the Lombardi Trophy, looking directly into the camera as he says, “Hi Mom, I love you. Thanks for everything!”
Dammit all to hell, YOU were the one whipping grounders at him when he was six, YOU were the one calling him a girl if his push-up was weak. Oh well, you’re the one with the checkbook!!
You won’t just be a parent, but also a manager/agent/personal chef who gets 45% of their millions. They don’t know any better! To help you turn that booger-eating kid of yours into the next Air Jordan cash cow, we show you How to Raise Your Kid to be a Pro Athlete
1. It’s Never Too Early To Seek Quality Representation
First off, have your wife drink NOTHING but Gatorade during the ENTIRE pregnancy. When they ask “Is it in you?” you want your kid to say hell-yeah.
In the first trimester of pregnancy have the embryo measured in the womb to project their vertical leap for the combine in Indianapolis. You want to contact sports agents early so you can “help them to help you help your child”. So, send out that ultra sound photo and who knows, that shoe contract may be delivered on the same day as your bundle of joy.
2. Branding is everything!
You got to give your kid a great name like “Tiger”, “Air Jordan” or “Magic.” If it’s your little girl I’d stay away from “Cougar”.
BUT, if that helps program your daughter to be a world class athlete and still somehow be attracted to men…Cougar it is!
3. Train your kid to go both ways!
Whoa, what did you think I meant? I’m talking about a shortstop that can go to his left or right. How about a right handed quarterback rolling to his left and throwing right? I’m talking about being able to dribble with both hands when you are taking to the hoop. Remember; switch hitters, first baseman and left handed hitters are the players with the long term big cash contracts.
Tips for training your toddler;
• Duct tap their rattle to the child’s left hand. If he ignores it and continues to favor his right hand, duct tape his right arm to his little chest. Remember this old classic; “this hurts me more than it hurts you.”
• If he is playing with the mobile hanging over his bead with his right hand tie his right hand to the crib. He’ll lead with his left after he settles down..
• When handing your child a treat of some sort, whether it be candy, ice cream condition the child to reach with the non dominant hand. DO NOT give them the treat if they reach with the dominant hand. Now, to further their training as they get older it’s time to replace the “treat” of ice cream and candy you’ve been offering them with cash.
4. Remember the most important meal of the day is breakfast.
Take advantage of this by lacing their Frosted Flakes or Lucky Charms with human growth hormones. This is the time to start introducing your little ones to performance enhancing drugs and habits, this can never be ingrained too early. Teach them that they need to get that “edge” over the other players and we don’t have time for hard work or preparation. And tell them to stop whining when they don’t fit in their school desk like the other kids. They don’t understand the big picture yet.
5. Teach your child how to focus on what is really important in life.
Do not, I repeat, do not waste your child’s time in the library or taking extra classes during the summer time to prepare them for an early graduation. What are they, gay? You enroll you kid into every celebrity sports camp that you can find. And if you can’t afford them, do what our Federal Government is dong right now; GET MORE LOANS? You are investing in the future! Even if your kid doesn’t want to go, so what! After all, this youngster is your 401K or the family’s own personal stimulus package.
6. Media Training
Let your kids listen to the sports talk radio shows when you’re car pooling them to elementary school. If they think kids tease them on the play ground, let them hear people who’ve never even played the game be an expert and criticize the million dollar “babies.” These are people who make up the third of our obese population and they’re talking trash and they can’t even get off the couch without pulling a “hammy”.
7. Redshirt your kid
So, the little one has reached the age of five years old and it’s time to send them off to school. Not so fast. Some parents aren’t sending their child to school till they are 6 years old. This is a way to insure that the child is “mature” and ready to excel in the outside world and nearly guaranteeing to stand out in their class and be successful. Hell, don’t send them to kindergarten till they are 7 or 8. Maybe not until they have to shave! So what if they have a little facial hair, and a big head and back acne. Only you know it’s from the “roids”. But, he’s kicking ass in Little League! So what if he can drive to the games in his own Hummer. “My Mom bought me that! It wasn’t a gift from the shoe company.”
8. The only credential your child needs is street cred.
Before your child enters middle school, start having the dentist fill in his mouth with gold to project plenty of “bling.” Nobody trusts an athlete without any street cred. This may be the time to explain to him too that when a young lady says, “no” that no means no! Oh, wait a minute; you’re an all American college football player? You are on a full ride scholarship for a top football team on the way to the BCS playoff. Well, in that case this is an unfamiliar area to you. Nobody has ever told you no and you don’t even have to know how to spell no let alone what it means. You are the gravy train!
9. Take advantage of “teachable moments” with your child.
When your kid comes to you and says, “Dad, can you help me with my social studies project?” This is what we call a “learning opportunity” or a “teaching moment”. Teach your young man how to “Make it Rain” in the strip club. Now there is a social activity that will come in handy again and again. This is a good time to explain, “Son, when carrying a loaded weapon, don’t conceal it in the elastic band of your sweat pants. Duh! If you must carry it there, try keeping the safety or and the gun unloaded. This is where you need a posse or crew always with you. Not because you like them, but let your “friends” carry any type of contraband for you. At the very least allow them to take the fall for it. And remember mom and dad, your child is an athlete. Teach them what the word contraband means.
10. You’re best effort with your kid has gone wide right? Be ready to punt!
I don’t want to be the one to tell you, but not every kid can become a professional athlete. But don’t throw all your, I mean their dreams away. If your kid is the kid that nobody can trust in school and can talk his way out of any jam, you’ve got yourself a promising billion dollar sports agent!
Or, maybe he’s the one that doesn’t get involved on the playground unless it’s to use his face to stop a punch. He actually studies for the spelling tests, does his math homework and loves to debate. They love to incite controversy, pass on the “juicy rumors” and conflict is his or her friend. Sounds to me like you got yourself a sports talk radio announcer!
((written by Jimmy Burns))
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