Millions of Americans are suffering from the bad economy, losing jobs and homes and all-too-often their sanity.
We know you’re laid-off, pissed-off and thanks to losing your insurance off your meds! 75% of the financial crisis is caused by negative attitudes, and the other half is China’s fault.
Don’t let financial realities stand in the way of your own ridiculous dreams!
Take advantage of the topsy-turvy world to make your dreams -nay, your goals come true… so with your best interests at heart, we present How To Start Your Own Race Team With No Money.
STEP 1- Pick a Number…Put It On Everything.
A number is THE most important thing to a driver’s identity. It’s like the name of your weiner except everybody knows it. Get fancy with the font if you feel like it, but don’t get it tattooed on your chest just yet…
STEP 2- Move into an Abandoned Foreclosed Home in an Empty Subdivision, This is your New Garage and Team HQ
When they foreclose on a home, they don’t leave an armed guard there full-time. After they leave, use your trusty crow-bar to open a window. Remember, you’re building more than a race car – you are building a TEAM…the boys will need a place to kick it after work.
STEP 3- Get a Crew Chief and Pit Crew From Behind Auto Zone
Don’t speak Spanish? No problem. Just speak English really slow and loud. The economy is hurting these migrant workers too…people in Nicaragua are sending THEM money!
As long as you start each day with a 24 pack of beer, these hombres will be your best friends.
STEP 4- Start Stealing Tires! Good Practice for the Pit Crew…
This is where we separate the boys from the men. If you don’t have the nerve to steal tires from a car in a parking lot, how are you going to have the nerve to rub fenders with Junior and the boys on Sunday in Talladega?! Think about it, mount up.
STEP 5- Get a Car
This is where a real informative list would tell you about the hundreds of different classifications of racing an amateur could participate in around the country, for varying price ranges…but I’m here to get you thinking big. We’re talking stock cars son, running with the big boys…NAS-muddafu*%in’-CAR.
Find a big American car, V-8 mandatory, parked on the street somewhere. Just take it. Chances are that the owner can’t afford gas anyway. How are you going to afford gas? Get comfortable stealing…
STEP 6- Practice Racing Moves on the Freeway
Massive lay-offs have really reduced traffic in most major cities, opening up the freeways to some serious speed. Plus the people left commuting are so wound up and stressed out that they could be next, that you can find some great competition on the toll roads.
STEP 7- Find a Nemesis, Even if they are Unwilling…
Great rivalries define great drivers. Find some chump at a traffic light who dares look at you and stalk that mudder f*#%er every minute he has the balls to get behind the wheel. It won’t be long before the powers-that-be at NASCAR see your dedication and give you a shot.
STEP 8- Find a Sponsor, Even if they are Unwilling…
Remember Glengarry Glen Ross, Always Be Closing! Go ahead and put the logo on your car. Maybe they’ll pay you more to take it off.
STEP 9- Practice Celebrating on the Podium
All the great athletes in the world VISUALIZE success a thousand times before they achieve greatness even once. Start dream-building and success will follow!
STEP 10- Hang Out at Racetracks, Challenge Other Teams
There are lots of other teams like you out there, except most of them have money to pay for entry fees. Go to the track with your crew and call these soft bitches out. If you piss them off bad enough, maybe they’ll put up the money to get your car in the race. Once you get out there, it’s all over but the crying as your bad-assedness shines through.
STEP 11- Dominate NASCAR.
Boom. Now you’re on the scene like a sex machine, nobody can stop you now. You are excellence incarnate, the men want to be you and the skanks in the infield want to give you the herpes. Don’t be afraid to cause big-ass wrecks, that’s what the fans REALLY want to see.
Good luck on your meteoric rise through the racing world, keep us in mind when you reach the top!
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